Feeding The Beast

I’ve been told that somewhere in her mid 50’s every woman encounters “the dark night of the soul”.  Well, if that is true… I’m currently in the deep end and I’ve lost my floatation device.

I’ll spare you the long background story at this point… or better yet, put it into another post.  For now, I’ll tell you that I’ve found my inner voice of rage and anger.  I’m exploring and experiencing waved and bouts and triggered moment, sometimes hours of anger so deep and so old that my faithful companion, my sacred body temple trembles, and quakes.  And honestly loves… I’m a bit lost in the process.  Even with all the work I’ve done on myself… This one is Rocking my World – literally.

That’s not to say that I’m not learning and exploring with curiosity, and listening closely to try to understand what this Beast needs from me to feel complete.  To be able to grow and contribute our life force so that he… yes it’s a he… will fulfill his mission in life.  To protect me from death.

At this moment… I’m not ready to share all I’ve learned… I will just tell you that it is hard. It is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.  And in many of the moments, I’m not sure I will survive… And in some of them, I don’t want to.

But, I will tell you what I have done to build a web of support, a safety team to lean into and call me home across the dark abyss

  1. I’ve found professional help.  This includes a psychiatrist to prescribe and monitor medications to help me slow down the maelstrom of moods that I’ve been engulfed in for the past year.  Also, something to manage the crushing anxiety the experience is bringing me into.   So far the meds are helping and doing what they are intended to do.  If you ever find yourself questioning if medication is a short-term (or long-term) support for you… Please check out my blog post on medication and how it can support a stable environment for therapeutic work to grow.
  2. I’ve gathered my support team around me. This include:
    • My Husband and Son.  They live with me… so I guess they really don’t have a choice,
    • My close and intimate female friends.  Unfortunately for me, each of them lives hours away.  So phone, text, Skype and an App call Marco Polo, all help me to keep them informed, share my experiences at the moment and most importantly… Ask directly for help when I need it most.
    • An exceptional Therapist who specializes in all the things that fill my emotional baggage.  Childhood & Adult trauma, PTSD, Sexual Assault and seriously Jacked-up family dynamics.  Trust me… she earns every penny.
    • Nutritional and physical support through movement classes, nutritional coach, and an attentive and available medical team. (I have diabetes and food allergies which can sometimes contribute to the instability of my moods and anxiety.
    • Radical self-care.  Time alone, journaling, evening yoga and clearing rituals, morning yoga/stretching, and intention setting, that sometimes closely resembles a Get it done list.   Sleep schedule – which I’m willfully ignoring right now. And daily body specific and eclectic exercise.  Yet another post on how to find your right body flow exercise plan.
    • The hardest and scariest one… I’ve taken a sabbatical from communication with my family, specifically parents.  Right now its been 3 weeks and I’ve reached the point where I’m beginning to miss them.  OR the idea of them.  Oh… the tangled webs we weave in our heads and hearts.


That’s it, for now, sweet readers… I’m off to stretch my body a bit then sleep and dream of light and compassion and unconditional love.


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